Earlier in my pregnancy some good friends of ours gifted us a darling little book to write down things we want to remember during this special time and letters to our son for him to one day read.

I fell in love with the idea the moment I opened their gift. However, I had a difficult time bringing myself to actually sit down and put my thoughts on the pages of this book. 

Truth be told, I have been terrified of another loss since our miscarriage in January and writing letters to our baby — or even telling anyone his name (which we still haven’t done) — has made me feel scared. 

Scared of what, though? Of another loss? Absolutely.

Experiencing a loss robs you of feeling much of the joy of any subsequent pregnancy because you live in a constant state of fear. That’s how it has been for me, at least. I’m afraid of making myself vulnerable by connecting with our son on such a personal level while he’s still in my belly and am constantly telling myself “don’t get too excited yet.” Writing notes to him makes it real and that means I could be setting myself up for devastation. 

I don’t think I’ll feel at ease until I hear his first cry and he is in my arms.

As a motherless daughter who was 19 when my mom died, though, it has also been at the front of my mind that there will be a day when I no longer will be here for my son. And I don’t know when that day will come or how many years he will have with me.

So, pushing my fears aside and taking time now — and for the rest of my life as his mom — to put pen to paper and write personal letters that hold my hopes for him, memories, thoughts, and stories of special times past is important to me.

This book is one of the most precious gifts I could possibly give our son and more valuable than anything I could ever buy him in a store. One day it will be one of the only things he has to remember me.

Losing a parent early in life makes you think about these things as you prepare to become a parent yourself.

I wish I had more personal mementos like this from my mom; there is just something special about seeing someone’s handwriting after they’re gone. Since her passing I have kept the few handwritten notes and cards I have from her safely tucked away in a drawer. I’ll occasionally pull them out when I want to see her handwriting or read her words.

My hope is that our son will treasure these letters just as I have treasured the few notes I hold from my mom.