After Jack was born, I remember looking at Justin and saying ” I get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year.”

It would be the first time since my mom passed away in 2009 that I wouldn’t be overcome with grief on this particular day. Well, that’s what I thought anyway.

In the days leading up to Mother’s Day, I realized that even though I am a mom this year and get to experience the day as that title, my heart is still longing to celebrate Mother’s Day as a daughter.

I mentioned in an Instagram story that having Jack doesn’t take away the sadness that comes with being a motherless daughter on Mother’s Day.

I also learned that it is OK to feel sad that my mom isn’t here to celebrate Mother’s Day with, and at the same time, feel happy that I am finally a mom myself.

The heartache and the happiness are what I embraced yesterday.

Before covid-19 and quarantine, I had a vision in my head of how this day would go.

We would have a lovely brunch at one of my favorite restaurants and then spend the day at the park near our house. It has a beautiful carousel and I have dreamed of riding it with Jack.

In anticipation, I even bought a new dress to wear and a coordinating outfit for Jack.

When the day arrived, though, all I wanted to do was be home with my boy and my husband.

We lounged in our pajamas most of the day. Justin made me a big biscuits and gravy breakfast. I rocked Jack to sleep for nap time and then held him while he slept — staring at his little face in awe.

Justin also surprised me with a bunch of beautiful flowers to plant in our front flower beds, as well as a rose bush.

This man continues to amaze me with his thoughtfulness.

After my mom passed away, I planted a rose bush at my family home to honor her. When I moved away from home in 2013, I dug up the bush, potted it, and brought it with me. That bush survived four moves in a pot, but this spring Justin and I realized that it died.

Knowing how much it meant to me, Justin replaced it for Mother’s Day.

We shared this special moment with Jack and planted the rose bush for his grandma angel.

Looking back on yesterday, it wasn’t the day I had pictured. It was actually so much more and nothing short of perfect.