This is the first piece in a Dammit, Hali series on breastfeeding and is intended to introduce Jack’s and my breastfeeding journey.
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I remember the day I told Justin that breastfeeding wasn’t for me; that I couldn’t do it anymore.
Jack was about 8 weeks old, his colic was peaking, and he had been cluster feeding since he was 5 days new. Desperate to get out of the house, I placed an online order for pick up at Target and Justin and I headed out the door with Jack in tow. We grabbed a quick lunch and as we sat in our car eating, Jack woke up from his car seat nap. Immediately, I scooped him up and started nursing to soothe him while I simultaneously finished my meal.
He fed for probably 20 minutes before I placed him back in his car seat so I could go inside Target long enough to pick up my order at customer service. The moment he felt his car seat under him, though, he was screaming. And, again, I scooped him up and began nursing him.
We tried two more times to place him in his seat before I lost it.
At that moment, in the parking lot of Target, I broke down. I cried as loud and as hard as Jack was crying, and I told Justin I couldn’t do it anymore.
Breastfeeding wasn’t for me.
I remember looking up from the backseat and catching my husband’s eyes in the rear view mirror. I could tell he was searching for the right words to say to comfort me.
Honestly, though, there were no right words. I simply needed to say out loud what I was feeling.
I spent days afterward feeling guilty for speaking those words.
I was a new mom who was exhausted and overwhelmed by the around-the-clock nursing sessions. Most days, me laying down Jack so I could go to the bathroom was enough to set him into a screaming fit.
Jack’s and my breastfeeding journey began 8 months ago on this day at approximately 9 p.m. when he joined us earth side.
When he was 8 weeks old, I never imagined that we would make it this far into our breastfeeding journey. Jack’s colic peaked at about 8 weeks and he was quite literally attached to my breast around the clock. Actually, he was attached to my breast from the moment he was placed on my chest after birth, but that’s another story for another time.
During those first weeks, if he wasn’t nursing, he was screaming. And I’m talking about an ear piercing, there is clearly something not right, kind of scream.
To make matters worse, I was even told by a family member during this time that maybe it was time to “wean” him (WTF does that even mean for a newborn?). I felt discouraged, defeated, and angry. And I was frantically trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.
Because all Jack wanted to do was nurse, I thought there was something wrong with me or with my milk because, in my mind, he wasn’t getting full, and that was resulting in him wanting to nurse constantly.
I know now that wasn’t the case and that cluster feeding is completely normal; it’s a baby’s natural way to get back up to and surpass their birth weight.
It is normal. It is natural. It is instinctual.
Now that those days are behind us, I am so glad Jack and I hung in there and powered through our toughest times. We have bonded over that, and I truly love being able to provide nourishment for him that no one else can.
So many women talk about the breastfeeding bond, but I think it is important note that the bond doesn’t always happen immediately. It didn’t for me, at least. I was drowning during those first weeks, and it wasn’t until Jack was a few months old that I actually felt “bonded” with him through nursing.
Breastfeeding is challenging in the beginning, and simply saying those words does not even begin to convey exactly how challenging it is
Before Jack was born I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and I knew he and I would both have to learn and it would take time. But, when Jack came out and latched almost immediately, I thought maybe we got lucky and breastfeeding wouldn’t be difficult as I thought. I was wrong. There were so many other physical, mental, and emotional challenges to come that I could have never predicted.
And now I’m going to tell you — if you are a new mom or mom-to-be who plans to breastfeed — what I so desperately wanted to hear in those early days.
Hang in there. It gets easier. But if you don’t want to do it anymore, that’s OK, too. It is OK to say that breastfeeding is not for you. That does not make you an inadequate mother. Whatever decision you make is the right decision for you and your baby.
Looking back at Jack’s first days of life, I was ill prepared for what was to come. However, in the time Jack and I have spent together breastfeeding, I have learned so much about myself, the way my body is designed to work, and what I am capable of as a mom.
It has been eye opening and empowering. It has made me a stronger human and woman.
Plus, breast milk is scientifically a magical, healing substance, and I am incredibly fascinated by its natural healing powers. Justin and I have used breast milk to clear clogged eye ducts, heal facial scratches from tiny, sharp fingernails, and, most recently, dry up a persistent rash that didn’t seem to want to go away until we put Jack in a milk bath.
These days, now that we are 4 months shy of Jack’s first birthday, I can say that I am in such a better place breastfeeding than I was when Jack and I first started. Jack nurses on demand, without a set nursing schedule, and I love that. In fact, it’s not even something I think about as being a challenge anymore; it is part of our day together — a part this is just for us.
Over the next few months I intend to share more of our breastfeeding journey by writing up tips and tricks I’ve learned and debunking ridiculous breastfeeding myths. If this is a topic that interests you, please remember to subscribe to email updates from Dammit, Hali!
