I Wasn’t Expecting This

I penned this several weeks ago but never published it. Today, I revisited it, added to it, and decided to dump my heart into it.

Trying to conceive has been one of the most emotionally draining times in my life and my husband’s life, and I was not prepared for all of the ups and downs that come with it. And unless you’ve been through it, you absolutely cannot relate — sorry.  I have spoken to several women who also are struggling TTC or have struggled, and I know that I am not alone in the range of emotions I have experienced over the last (almost) year.

Like many of my more emotional pieces, I debated posting this because it is vulnerable and raw, and I acknowledge that not everyone likes to read that type of content. However, one of my favorite things about blogging is that, through my content, I am able to connect with people (some I have never even met) who are in similar life stages as me or have similar experiences.

What I do here on Dammit, Hali might seem silly to some, but to the ones who get it and relate to the things I share, I welcome you with an open heart. Hopefully this post finds its way to someone — who, like me — occasionally needs a reminder that they are not alone on this journey. 

. . . 

As I was stepping out of the shower this morning, I began thinking about all the events (vacations, weddings, celebrations, etc.) my husband and I have coming up in the next several months, and I immediately said to myself, “Damn, I really thought I would be pregnant for all of these things; I thought I would be pregnant by now.”

But, it turns out, that is not the case.

I wasn’t expecting this.

I didn’t think it would be this challenging to conceive a baby; I always imagined that it would just happen.

Our TTC journey has been one of the most challenging times during our 8 years together, but with each month that goes by without a baby, I fall deeper, more madly in love with the man my husband is.

I wasn’t expecting this.

I distinctly remember last Christmas — December 2017 was the month we began trying to conceive.

I wanted to make the holiday extra special for my husband and get him something he really, really wanted — a PS4 — because, as I said, “It would be our last Christmas before we have children.”

At the time, I was convinced we would give birth to our first child in 2018. But, here we are, rolling into the 2018 holiday season sans baby.

I wasn’t expecting this.

I never imagined I would be the woman who wakes up at 6 a.m. every morning to take her temperature, or be the woman who pees in a cup to track ovulation.

Or, that I would wake up hours before my husband and shuffle quietly into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test — sitting, waiting for a second pink line that never appears — then bury the negative test at the bottom of the trashcan so he would never know, only to go back later and dig it out “just to make sure.” That’s what months of TTC does to you.

I never imagined I would live with the fear of not being able to get pregnant. Or, that I would do research on fertility doctors in my area just in case I needed it one day.

And I certainly never imagined that I would have to look at my husband and ask him “What if we can’t have a baby on our own? What do we do?” Or, that he would ever pose these questions to me over dinner.

I wasn’t expecting this.

I cringe when someone says, “It will happen when it’s supposed to.” Or, “Just keep trying.”

I feel bitter when I see pregnancy announcements, and I wonder when my turn will be.

And I fight back tears when I hear, “We weren’t even trying.” Because why can’t that be us?

I wasn’t expecting this.

I wish I could take a peek into the future and know how it turns out.

During the past nine months, I have lost hope and found it again. I have had my spirit crushed. I have cried with every painful menstrual cramp, and I have learned to pay attention to what my body is telling me.

I have spent countless hours Googling symptoms and getting lost in my own head.

I have changed my diet, drank fertility teas, been to the doctor twice, had my thyroid checked, and made lifestyle changes I wouldn’t have made otherwise.

Still, nothing.

I have had a period be late by 20 days.

I have spent a small fortune on pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits.

I have filled my bedroom with the scent of lavender and eucalyptus to create a relaxing, stress-reducing environment.

Still, nothing.

I wasn’t expecting this.

As we begin the downhill slope toward one year of trying, I can’t help but think of what comes next.

One year is the magic number when you are TTC.

One year of trying without conception is when your doctor will begin the fertility conversation.

I thought I would be pregnant by now.

I wasn’t expecting this.